As have been the majority of my days at the hallowed grounds of the Jedi temple here on Coruscant, these past few days were yet another lesson in humility and trust. Far from the great display of oneness with the Force displayed by my uncle in my youth, and on a daily basis by the instructors here, I was, again, a virtual embarrassment to my Master in utterly failing my exercises. I have been on MISSIONS with Master Pho and a rather extensive party…doing a variety of deeds… have USED my light saber and have even acquired another saber on one of those missions; yet, when training with the practice sabers I look as awkward as a newborn giraffe trying to find its legs.
A Jedi is supposed to be above personal feelings and such things as intimidation and bravado, but there is a student here at the Temple that seems to be existing ONLY to utterly shame and embarrass me. I realize the arrogance of that assertion, however there is a strange…coldness…or distance about him. Whenever I am around him I feel an uneasiness in my very core. Is it something about him, or am I letting my petty ego, and my wounded pride convince me there is something there that does not actually exist? As of yet…i am not sure. What I Do know is he is a most worthy adversary in training and a very powerful student of the Force. Perhaps It IS mostly my pride, for if we were ever in battle together, against a common foe, I know we would prevail due to his superior skills, and knowing it was HIS doing that saved us….makes me completely ill!!
It is clear to me now that to get my body to function as a fluid extension of the Force, I must first, get my mind to flow in the same direction as the Force. I must put away the petty emotions of youth…jealousy, selfishness, anger, fear, the naive pangs for companionship from the opposite sex. A Jedi’s life is a noble one, can be a heroic one, and a most fulfilling one. It can be one of ease and relative luxury, though a Jedi craves not these things…but most of all a Jedi’s life, is a life of solitude. A Jedi, however, is not a lonely being, for he has surpassed the fears and wants and insecurities that hinder a common man from being alone. A Jedi Knight is truly, never alone. His closest friend and ally is the Force, and a POWERFUL ally it is! The Force is always with him. It eases and comforts his mind, and guides his body and actions. Much of the time, A Jedi will also be accompanied by his/her Master…who is a living representation of the Force and also can be a trusted friend and confidant, though even as well-trained and committed to the ways of the Jedi as a Master is, they are simply a mortal being and far too often, have been swayed by the cold evil of the dark side. A Knight’s only TRUE, unwavering friend, and source of companionship, comfort and peace…Is the Force.
Last week in training, I was made a fool by Arica Sunrider…something I vowed not to let happen again. I never considered myself a Casanova, nor were my actions completely motivated by a sense of want of, or a need to impress her…as a woman. But, I did want to impress her as an instructor…but I let her rather forward-seeming attitude sway my mind and focus, thus resulting in the epic and humiliating failure mentioned earlier. One thing I just realized, however, is life is a journey of constant learning. Humiliation comes from wounded pride. Failing…at anything in life, is only truly failing, if you do not, or cannot learn from it. From here on out, I vow to try to stay balanced in my training AND in life…and if mistakes are made…if assignments or goals are not met…I shall no longer selfishly allow those instances to lead me to anger and embarrassment, rather, I shall strive to immediately delve into the situation and discern what I did to keep me from succeeding, which, in itself, is a type of growth, ergo success. THAT is a Jedi’s way. Exar Kun can keep pushing me around…and making me the so called laughing stock of our class…Master Sunrider can pretend she is flirting. I will react no longer in a manner that will lead to and aid in my distractions from the moment. I AM A JEDI KNIGHT..and It is time I started to act like one!
The past few days, after more saber training, Master Pho took us to the gardens to teach us to meditate and search within ourselves to elicit the Force. We learned the practice of the ‘hibernation trance’. Some of the class excelled and some have far to go, yet I feel it was a beneficial exercise for all. I met a few new students this week…some, I feel, may, indeed, grow to become a powerful Jedi and most-likely good friends. One Mr. Landsurfer….we call him “Krabshak”, Thodo, and a Correlian girl named Sourus Kant. Most recently we were sent on an exercise to find and bring home the famed Chrysanthis blossom. We got paired up with classmates to increase our chances…and to learn to watch out for and work with others. Krabshak and Thodo were together, and I got paired up with Sourus. From the word go, she seemed disenchanted with the whole idea of this mission, and quite frankly with our training at the temple as a whole. On a few occasions she seemed to excel beyond my wildest expectations, though, on a whole, her disturbing lack of faith in the Force AND in herself was rather disconcerting. On more than one occasion, I had to go far out of my way to reassure her that the Force was with us and would guide us through whatever came our way, and that all we need to do is trust in and allow the Force to guide our decisions and actions. She seemed to agree for a while and her attitude would improve…for a bit. I had decided that I would make it my mission to ensure that she started to not only enjoy her training once we returned to the temple, but that she would excel and become a powerful Jedi. I thought it my PERSONAL mission to take her under my wing and help her along. Looking back now…after completion of our mission, I realize the arrogance of that thought. I thought I could train her as well as Master Voss or Pho…I was wrong. We got toward the top of the mountain and spotted two of the blossoms. As we approached, Exar Kun shows up and suddenly offers to allow us the blossom…that we were “there first”. I chose not to take his charity, so he and my partner, Soulus took them and returned to the temple. I must admit…my decision to turn down his offer did come partly from my prior anger toward him and the pride that he wounded in our training. Something, as I said I now have vowed to try to eliminate from my mind…but another contributing factor…and perhaps the thing that most lead to my turning him down was…generosity is SOO out of character for him…I felt a disturbance at his presence and more-so at his rather odd offer. While pride coaxed me toward finding my own way, I felt it, ultimately, a safer course of action as well. Kant wanted so badly to be done with our mission that she leaped at the chance to be done…so we parted ways and she left with Kun…turning and giving me an eerie wink as they left. Was the mission to return with the flowers, or was it to complete the mission together? I am not sure, as I submit this entry, I fear the latter is more likely, meaning I may have, once again, failed an assignment; though, as you can tell from reading this…I have learned a lot from what might be my most recent failure. Even the innocent, helpless good people have something to hide. Feelings must be guarded and kept in check. The Force is the only unchanging force in life and will never let you down. What was Sourus up to….Why was Exar so inexplicably generous…will I end up being reprimanded for allowing my team to split up? We shall see…but one thing is for sure…the Force IS with me…and that is all a Jedi needs!
May the Force Be With You!