The final trial:
A strange test was given to my “class” of jedi. It was our final test, and seems to have been some sort of vision quest. The force was meant to lead us to a path which presented itself in the form of three lit caves. The force led me to none, so in the spirit of neutrality I chose the center cave which happened to be red. A cave filled with burning air caused mild perturbation, but led out to peaceful grassy knoll. I attuned myself to the force as well as I could, and quickly realized I was in a vision.
I was presented with what seemed another choice at this point. In any direction I could choose an array of heavenly bodies. The planet below me offered the only thing familiar, so I made an effort to go down and find myself on this planet. I found what seemed to be myself, but so much has changed since I last examined myself. I seemed older, haggard, confused almost. My youthfulness has come close to fully leaving me it would seem…I can’t decide if this is positive or not. My examination was short lived, as I turned to find a star floating uncomfortably close behind me. However, it seems that this star had a life of it’s own (which it quickly and painfully shared with me)…it would appear that there is life in more things in this universe than I had initially thought.
This experience brought an interesting conflict to my mind. There is surely life in many things, and although I have gained much respect for life while I’ve been here, I have also come to feel that is something that must be earned and deserved. The jedi surely don’t find life itself to be sacred, and although that thought passed through my mind, I feel that it is certainly a foolish train of thought. However, I don’t agree with all of the Jedi’s thoughts on this matter. They seem to feel they have some sort of divine providence to choose who deserves life. If they have this right, when in my opinion they put little thought into their decisions, then I certainly have the right to make this choice myself. I am convinced that I am a more suitable judge and executioner than most of these Jedi are.
I am still contemplating what it means to take life from the undeserving. Does it bring power to the one who takes it? Is it an act that the universe requires, and so in a sense fate has already taken the life of the undeserving? Certainly I must create a more solid guideline on which to judge… Nevertheless, these thoughts are morbid, and I only wish to entertain them for so long.
I visited my Teradon friend again…it seems she is to be a mother. I am happy for her, and it seems she was happy and proud also. I long to be able to understand her thoughts, but my efforts seemed to fall short this time. Master Pho was interested in my interactions with these creatures, and he helped me hone my telepathic abilities.
I was made a Jedi Knight, although I wasn’t given the symbol and weapon of those I suppose I must call brothers. I am not adept with a blade, but I can’t help but still feel this was a slight that I’m afraid I won’t be forgetting for quite some time.
We were sent on a mission. I’m extremely conflicted to follow the Jedi’s chosen judgment, but I felt one mission would not be detrimental was put on a universal scale. I saw no inherent reason for these people who we were assaulting to die, but I have to admit ignorance of the galaxy’s politics. I would have preferred capture over kill, but tensions were high and the atmosphere was chaotic. I took the opportunity to attempt to calm myself in the heat of battle and let the force lead my shots. If nothing else, this encounter was good practice.